Guest post by Ken Vest
(Editor’s note: “Noah” sucks.)
Supreme Being; everywhere and all powerful; creator of all things; Amazing sense of irony having created humans along with everything else.
We caught up with God when he/she was enjoying a Partagas in a back room at the Palm in downtown DC. Dressed in his ethereal best, with a gauzy look like Ingrid Bergman in “Casablanca,” the big Guy said he only liked the Palm when the lobbyists weren’t there. “If they had been around when I started this whole rigmarole I wouldn’t have used a snake.”
George Burns as God
Texas to the World
Thanks for joining us today God. I’m sure you need no introduction and if you do you’ll see to that. We’re most appreciative you’ve agreed to share your views about the new film Noah, directed by Darren Aronofsky. Give us your impressions about Noah.
God
Well it was a bit presumptuous of Aronofsky to take on Noah when his resume includes the Black Swan and The Wrestler. I mean the wrestling movie what was with the ending? Did he die or not. I need closure in my movies-don’t like to walk out of the theater guessing. That being said I think he did a credible job.
Texas to the World
What does that mean a credible job? Do you think he pulled it off?
God
Well I’m not sure about the Rock People –the fallen angels you know the “Watchers.” I get the nod to Transformers and I suppose Aronofsky was simply trying to appeal to 15 year old boys. I mean it is the key demo but are they going to go in the first place. I can see a kid’s response when Mom and Dad say come on son we’re going to see Noah.
Texas to the World
Yeah I can see the eyes rolling right now.
God
My point is couldn’t he have been more subtle? They were fallen angels he could have given them all manner of powers. Why not take a page from Lord of the Rings come up with figures that were mystical yet capable of turning their extremities into death rays or mega machine guns. I mean Rock People. What’s up with that?
Texas to the World
What about the plot? When you commissioned Genesis and the Noah story he didn’t talk at all. Did the dialogue work for you?
Ken Vest
God
As one critic put it –it was way on the nose. I mean no subtlety there. But I give the director credit. It’s a big story. Not much room for a lot of nuance.
Texas to the World
What about the central themes – consistent with how you remember it?
God
Yeah sure. The guy is Jewish and he gets the Old Testament. All the fundamentals were there. He took some liberties with the original plot and the lyrical overlay we have imbued in the Genesis version. But he got the central themes and it was nice to see the happy ending. Too many non-endings and bummer conclusions today if you ask me.
Texas to the World
So no complaints?
God
Well I didn’t care for the late insertion of conflict for Ham. It was a bit contrived. But that’s not my main beef.
Texas to the World
Oh?
God
Isn’t it obvious? Once again there was no speaking role for God? I mean if you read the text Noah doesn’t say a word. I have a lot to say and that’s the way it should be.
Texas to the World
I hadn’t thought of that. Sorry.
God
I haven’t had a decent role in a very long time. I’m not even going to count Star Trek V: The Final Frontier in 1989. Shatner needs to give up directing and stick to travel commercials and what passes for his acting.
Don’t get me wrong it was a hoot being technical director on Bruce All Mighty. Morgan Freeman is much cooler than me. I’m sure you know I have quite a temper. Charlie Sheen and I are still working through some issues.
Anyhow I’m pissed. I fired my agent; again, I’ll be sending swarms of frogs and locusts to some producers trying to get their attention. I mean who has to be canonized or brought back to life in this town to get some work. Incidentally, my kid still gets free drinks and tons of laughs with the Lazarus gag.”
Texas to the World
So you’re taking this personally.
God
What happened to the good old days like The Ten Commandments, I’m down with V/O work. And I’m huge in the Noah story; I talk to him before during and after the flood. I’m not greedy and I get the old “no small actors” chestnut.
Aronofsky didn’t have to script it at all. The lines are there. Just a few to lend some credibility to the project? What’s the harm? I mean all my followers are calling the guy an atheist; he’s not really. I do know all things. But if there’s a sequel I better get some work or I just might have to start a media campaign.
Texas to the World
I have a feeling that’s going to more than just pitching the Hollywood Reporter
God
You have no idea.
Also at: Life Its Ownself
